My mage is only level 13. I’m not good with controls and I try to play him hesitantly. Still, I explore a lot (and therefore die a lot). Working on enchanting, destruction and speech. Really want to cast chain lightning as soon as possible and have equipment ready to reduce that cost.

1. Getting married early is a good idea. That 100 gold a day from your husband or wife’s shop can really help out as your adventuring is hit or miss in terms of valuable items. Your ability to sell things for a decent price is also an issue. I’ve been turning iron into gold using transmute and making jewelry. It’d be  more fun if I weren’t getting 50 for a gold necklace with value 120. I’ve been running out of the petty soul gems I need to boost the value.

2. Having a small army is a lot of fun and is absolutely necessary to get through some areas. My little old mage approached Valtheim Towers. Taking out the archers and weaker bandits would be no problem if it weren’t for the bandit chief at the top of the tower. Died a few times trying to trigger only one mob at a time. Solution: Summoned a flame atronach and shot a lightning bolt at the archers up top. Knew the bolt would miss and that the atronach would start going ape on the archers. The bandit chief came down and met a lot of frostbite and unrelenting force.

Will this tactic work at higher levels of difficulty? Absolutely not. But it is fundamental to good gameplay. When I had a follower – before Lydia bugged out – I was able to isolate mobs and attack them 3 on 1 with the summon, me and her.

3. Need to compile a list of achievable low level quests. I love exploring, but I really, really hate dying. I don’t mind dying when trying out new strategies. But this whole “you’ve stumbled upon an area which is just way too high level” thing gets annoying. I think I went into The Sightless Pit at level 6 and with Lydia and the atronach was able to take on some Falmer and these deadly bugs that use sparks. Still, things got crazy. The only way out was to run away entirely, and even that entailed dying about 1000 times.

So I think – no, I know – a really useful bunch of hints for noobs will include a list of low level quests with no spoilers. I have to figure out, for myself, how to explore a bit more cautiously. If I can figure that out, I’ll feel set both in terms of game play and something larger: creating a believable character in the game world, one that acts and reacts appropriate to his abilities.

1. Some abstract art impressed me recently. The paintings looked like collages from fragments of home and garden design magazines, with elements flowing into each other haphazardly. Roads would become a roof with a window-like object almost like a shingle peering into a flower-bed. But none of that was there, perhaps.

The aesthetic of the perfect home appealed a bit too easily. There were thoughtful comments. Grace pointed out how things that looked like paneling and siding seemed to be light sources. Nathaniel focused on organic and inorganic qualities, a comment on perspective. Nothing seemed to provoke, though.

2. A friend read Louis Hartz, Russell Kirk and Tocqueville recently for a class. Hartz was a bit nutty: it looks like he’ll do whatever it takes to make a thesis fit, which includes bending all known laws of logic or physics. The 0ther tw0 thinkers were concerned, on my friend’s reading, with religion, tradition, freedom. Hartz insists the USA never had a credible socialist movement because it never had an explicit feudal structure. Where things get interesting is when he points out the things that create class distinctions in any given society. He goes too far with it; Hamilton is not someone using capitalist rhetoric to further the interests of his “class.” There is a genuine belief in equality, freedom, opportunity among the Founders that involves an emphasis on property rights. One might think this naive, but it certainly seems sincere.

However, Hartz’s insistence that class matters no matter where we are is something I have to take seriously. I am not here to sit and cry about lost opportunities. If there are opportunities being denied me or anyone else for very bad reasons, though, I need to be aware. We need to be aware.

3. “Very bad reasons” may not be someone stealing outright. It might be that when everyone works pretty hard, those with a small advantage get a lot more than those simply working (cf. “The Tyranny of the Meritocracy”). The thing everyone needs in a free society is time, and that literally gets more scarce every day unless you opt out. You need time to either give attention or get attention. To put it metaphorically: in theory, we used to have a leisure class (they were leisured, they had means. Class, though, in its colloquial use seems to denote a higher standard than its more technical use). Now, in theory, we’ve eliminated such a thing entirely. Even in the academy, “publish or perish” means you have to be in motion, pretending like you can justify your studies.

What scares me is that justice takes time and requires attention. Far more than any self-help rhetoric or institution or particular goal can give. Justice properly considered can look very ugly. At points we even have to make the difficult call of whether it is worth pursuing fully or not, whether a greater good can be had by holding back. Class, as a concept, can complicate this picture, sometimes distorting it to a point where it cannot be recognized.

4. Without becoming Marxist, I think it is very easy to see what we have left without any recognition of class itself. It’s literally a sameness, an asking of perfect homes and gardens – our individual happiness, non-conflicting – a begging where there must be a panacea. I’m not saying that once upon a time seeing Medici palaces and warlord’s castles made us more rational. Far from it. One could be as unjust then, if not more unjust, defending a hierarchy meant to keep people down and divided amongst themselves.

We want liberty to immediately be good. We think it’s reasonable to ask for what our parents and grandparents asked. A house in suburbia with good fences making good neighbors. Someone who loves us, a family. Stability in employment. I don’t know whether any of that is actually reasonable. It was always unreasonable to expect everyone find love: how many stories of heartbreak do we have through the ages? How can stability in employment exist when we prize mobility, when we get tired of being in one job too long? And what of the rest of the world? My brother and I were talking recently, and he mentioned “affluence” in China means making $16,000 a year.

Our vision is literally blurred right now with an indistinct vision of something that feels secure. I’m tempted by the vision, certainly. It promises goods which I feel everyone else is getting. That’s not entirely fair to say, though. It may be the case many aren’t getting what they want or need. In which case, we need to figure out what is achievable and work from there.

5. I remember when you worked for justice. I felt some of it was misguided. I felt all of it was sincere. That was a long time ago; we haven’t spoken for years. I wonder what your perspective is now. I can’t imagine it takes vinyl siding and white picket fences too seriously.

AK

Still. It’s beautiful in Dallas in December. The trees have changed color. It isn’t an intense Autumn, there’s lots of green, but it’s a palette unlike any other. A friend and I were driving around slowly to purposely just look at the trees.

As many of you are aware, I’m rewriting the dissertation to fit in with a more focused thesis. I think the thesis is worthwhile. It’s pushing me to articulate just how many tensions are at play in Xenophon. I’ll need revisions – the second chapter is a bit clunky at the moment – but I’m happy that the previous drafts are contributing heavily to this. This is pretty much a final draft and it is going to occupy my weekend.

I don’t know what to tell you about a graduation date. I’m looking forward to having one. But that’s up to forces which are beyond me.

If you’re curious to read what I have, the first chapter needs some work, but I’m happy to share it. It includes a line-by-line read of one of Xenophon’s own chapters. You need not have read the book in order to understand what I have, since you can skip my commentary and read the excerpted Xenophon, which is in the order it originally was (albeit broken up).

The turkey was so tender meat was falling off the bone. It was plenty aromatic, with the apple/onion/cinnamon/rosemary/sage “stuffing” taking precedence. Canola oil really helped this thing get a great color.

Emily brought awesome queso and mashed potatoes and some much needed liquor and conversation. Andrew made a terrific potato salad and lugged quite a lot of weight from his room. Mike (again) brought enough Shiner to help a small army drink. Tyler (again) made rice. Abigail (again) did a ton of cleaning and packaging leftovers and made some awesome pumpkin pie. A very chocolatey pie was made by Aaron and Maria and we all loved it. I’m sipping Ian’s ale as I write this, and I have some white wine I bought in the fridge. I think I need to have a dinner date soon so I can use that up.

And then there was Margaret, who drove down from Oklahoma City and picked up a friend and brought him and some incredible cornbread stuffing and more mashed potatoes to Thanksgiving. I can’t tell you how happy I was to see her. I can’t tell you how grateful I am she made that much effort.

The only thing I could say about this Thanksgiving has been said by Megan McArdle already:

This year, I’m giving thanks for you all.  I’ve had much more than anyone can claim to deserve.  I hope that you all have as much to be thankful for today.

Only one item of business unresolved: a friend, like many, many others, had to work Thanksgiving. She’s been very busy at work recently – I don’t want to go into details. Suffice to say what she does is important. Yeah, it’s a business, one in which she makes sure animals are treated right and are properly cared for and somehow money is made out of this. I plan on treating her out to dinner soon. If you have stories about your best moments with animals, let me know, I’ll put you in touch with her so you can share the story.

But yeah. As things stand, a number of undergraduates and a few others don’t have a place to celebrate Thanksgiving in the area. So this means I have to get my rusty set of cooking skills together and activate them. From my previous attempts, my cooking isn’t that bad. It’s just slow and I’m nervous about everything. I think this time out, things might be awesome. Here’s the recipe for the turkey:

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alton-brown/good-eats-roast-turkey-recipe/index.html

And reading over the directions, I’ve been reminded: get a stockpot, gotta make that brine.

Also on the menu is some green bean casserole as a side, and I’ve got rolls and plenty of pita chips, carrots and hummus to work as an appetizer. There should be cranberry sauce and potatoes forthcoming, though others have told me they’d like to take the lead on that. And there are desserts (bought cookies and chocolate and am looking forward to opening one of the bars). I just want more food. There are going to be 6-7 people around, at least. The turkey alone is a huge help, but some variety is going to be crucial to the whole thing.

If you’ve got suggestions, I’m all ears. I want to get full, drink something, watch a movie.

From a more abstract perspective, this does not seem possible in our world. The two people of whom I’m thinking were actually rather pious. It’s very difficult to say they’re morally reprehensible because they weren’t strictly speaking. Inasmuch laws and authorities told them exactly how to behave, they acted in those specific ways. Combine this limited moral sensibility with our attitude that people should mind their own business – if you’re not hurting anyone else physically, who cares? – and you had a recipe for disaster. The two were absolutely toxic, spreading misery wherever they went and creating all sorts of drama that had to create fights or tears.

No, not everyone can have good habits or social graces. I completely understand people who are a bit careless or want to be alone or are a bit needy at times or whatever. But we seriously have no way of saying “your personality is awful and tearing all of us down?” We have no way of calling people on their immaturity outright? That’s just ridiculous, emblematic of a Pharisaic approach to morality that defines everyone in this modern world: our way of doing things matters more than any good others try to establish. We don’t need to always call out those who only understand cruelty. But we’d better be prepared to fight for those who want something better. The laws don’t mean a damn thing if there aren’t any people worth having around.

To go back a bit: I don’t think any of us want each person we’ve lost to merge into a collective “the dead.” It gets tricky how to do justice to them. Some people create well and we can engage their art. It’s not a best case scenario, not at all. But it does push us to reconstruct a voice, to pay more attention to one who is gone than we might if they were alive. Most people exhaust themselves in endeavors that don’t last beyond their lives, or are invisible. Remembering them is in a way more powerful than constant engagement with the past’s opinions. I wrote on The Weakerthans’ “Night Windows” some time ago:

The nature of this possibility is curious: she’s dead, but because they did walk together, or may have walked together, the impossible wish is based on the actual. Possibility leads to impossibility back to possibility: perhaps death isn’t a going away, but a cycling in and out of existence.

We do encounter those who have died in the world at moments not of our choosing. We remember the girl who liked playing piano in high school and died in a car crash in college when we hear someone play showtunes on Youtube. I probably have my grandmother more in mind now than I ever did at any moment she was alive. Her concerns, her approach to things: I see more of it in others nowadays.

“The dead” aren’t collective when allowed to be in the world. There is a way “the dead” can be collective and mindless and harmful, when they dictate the world. Those of you who’ve played Final Fantasy X and X-2 see this unfold slowly, darkly and even powerfully in the plot. The old religion there is a means of control that preserves all the old grudges. The young simply act out the battles of yesteryear although the world has changed totally.

It’s funny a video game has to make that point to us. We’ve got entire political movements based on how other generations, long gone, conceived the issues. Not that they were entirely wrong – they got something essentially right. But we’re preserving some of the hatred, using retro tastes as a mark of how we’re better, bringing “facts” up that are little more than old opinions which were stupid then.

I’ll go back to The Weakerthans to conclude:

De-pluralize our casualties
drown the Generals out in static
We turn and watch our city sprawl
and send us signals in the glow

I’m not worried about doing justice to “the dead” tonight. Everyone who matters did something important and shaped the world well in a way. I’ll encounter, appreciate and remember in life. Their individual lives will speak through life, playing the role I’m working to play now: giving the support and encouragement we need to make something of this.

I’m wondering about a tendency some men have to just not care. Not at all. A friend was talking about someone fired from work and how he would just not bring up the subject at all. Everything was fine in fairyland for him, it seemed from the way he described his day. He didn’t even have to put teeth under the pillow to find cash there.

What is really bugging me: I am increasingly seeing “men” of this sort get women. I cannot believe this, but it is happening. I was fuming about one particularly egregious example of this the other day (2 women were fighting over one of the most fake people I’ve ever met), until I realized that I could cite 2 or 3 others easily.

I’m not saying men have to be successful. That in some ways is too cruel a criterion – I know full well what consistent work and minimal rewards are from the blog and a number of other activities. Those of us who are really ambitious – those of us who are working to make this world better – we know the most difficult thing we face is the feeling we’re gambling. (On that subject: I’ve gotten a number of e-mails recently asking how much I make for blogging. I’ve been reluctant to say the truth: I don’t and won’t accept pay for this site at this point. It doesn’t sound convincing in print. You have to watch me work with a motivated, capable student to see how this whole process really works. It isn’t about writing – it’s always been about thinking.)

I am saying that I hope women are just a bit more careful with who they get involved with. Please set some higher criteria for the men you want to marry. Please. I’m begging at this point. You don’t realize how much you’re empowering total losers at the expense of your own dignity and others. If I could make these men better, I would. I could try to get ideas in their heads that are exciting, try to motivate them to be more careful, loyal and appreciative. But all that depends on their will to be better.

I genuinely think giving the guys I’m complaining about your love is a serious problem. A little bit of reflection shows that most of these guys only think about getting women and trying to get others (women, other men, sometimes even God) to do stuff for them. It’s a disgrace, and if I can’t get them to change and be better, you’re certainly not, especially if they think they can take advantage of a physical attraction.

I was soaked in my suit on the way to the apartment. Tried to nap and couldn’t. Ate the only full meal I had at 6 pm despite being awake and about since 7 am. Pleasant conversation, revising and a few snacks did fill the time. I can’t say getting to know people is unpleasant.

Later: spending long hours struggling to write. Writing sentences that seem redundant and finding too many similarities with the previous. Felt as if I was trying to make too much of too little.

Yeah, that’s what’s wrong. I think. I don’t want to complain, I want to focus. I don’t want to think about the one that got away, either. Right now, listening to The Weakerthans: this version of “The Last, Last One” is being played as I write. “And nothing happens in the end.”  There are these lines from “Left and Leaving” I just sang quietly:

Back with the streets I know
will never take me anywhere but here.

Somebody was asking me the other day what could be done to improve the world just a little bit while costing virtually nothing. I didn’t say what’s on my mind now. People need to feel successful, loved, like they’re going somewhere. You can’t just demand they work and keep working with little or no feedback or support. But that’s exactly the demand many of us make of everybody else. You’ve got money. People to talk with. Entertainment. Why are you complaining? Everybody needs to shut up so everyone else can feel like they’ve done enough. The emphasis isn’t on giving thanks but on avoiding blame. It might be time to try a relationship again. At least those failures don’t demand the whole world change.

P.S. I’m okay. Just venting on the blog. Some of you will note this is long overdue. Some of you will note there’s another issue I’m not talking about here that could easily be read into the last paragraph.

I’ve been mistaken before, of course. And time is not stopping for me or for those explicitly supporting me.

Life’s been good otherwise. I’m pretty disciplined about reading and writing. (The only time I get angry with myself is when I don’t read carefully. I’m not aiming for progress in pages.)  And there are lots of people around me who want to meet up, do interesting things and ask serious questions.

Still. Comfort isn’t a substitute for getting what you’ve been working towards. I can’t wait to share with you some better, more certain news.