1. Didn’t watch all of Bill Simmons’ interview with Katie Nolan – turned it off once they started the incessant apologia for the Patriots.
Still. Think I learned from the first half-hour. If the blog ends up going anywhere, I’ll have to credit Ms. Nolan. For the last few months, I’ve been doing everything but blogging. It’s weird to confess this, because I didn’t stop writing, editing, or reading. My paper journal is packed with poems, musings, and rants. I have been trying to completely rewrite old blog entries, throwing some away entirely (process is ongoing). Lots of reading: a few papers on Plato, books on art history, critical essays attended for the sake of style and form in my own writing. This has been done while job hunting, while working, while revising dissertation.
I cannot say I have had pride or even any particular joy in all this. I do not want to think through what has been done well, what not so well. Quite a bit has not been done well. It felt like a slog, moving from one obstacle to the next. I still don’t know if I’m improving or not. Writing is throwing messages in a bottle and learning not to care if you get a letter back.
What I quit on, without realizing it, was the idea that this blog could go anywhere. That is no small disappointment to harbor. It spreads to every other area in one’s life like the plague.
2. Ms. Nolan describes how she got started in media. Blogging on sports and pop culture happened 6 times a day while working a bartending job. Eventually, a bigger site wanted to use her voice for more exposure. She got a larger audience, a bit more money, but a lot more responsibility. That responsibility turned to making videos daily for the site, which conflicted with the bartending job. Nolan’s story is that she would get back from work in the early hours of the morning, write jokes for the video she intended to shoot, go to bed and film the video in the time that was left before work. I don’t think she needs to say anything about the amount of pay involved and how it corresponded with the amount of work she did.
I can’t say that her story – she’s got her own show now – is inspiring. It pushes me to work harder, to try and blog daily, but I can’t say that I’m excited or that I expect anything good to happen. Rather, I’m merely in the position of not quitting just yet. Her advice for making it in media is to get into a routine of doing something daily, to feel like you have to produce content.
The funny thing is that for a blog of this sort, I have no idea what that even means. I don’t want to be on tv, I don’t want to be recognizable. Celebrity is scary: you lose privacy. You lose, as Bill Simmons notes in the same interview, the right to make mistakes. A major reason why I wasn’t thrilled the last few months about throwing more resources into the blog is that I have to get years upon years of writing to be acceptable. A lot of what I’ve written here is unreadable: they’re notes on a scratch pad. At times good notes, but not a coherent narrative.
There’s too much to do, and I’m not sure what I want out of it.
3. I guess if anything comes of this blog, it might have to do with another influence. A long time ago, Josh shared with me this awesome interview with Felicia Day. I’ve found myself reading it over and over, partly because of the independent streak that pulses through her answers. Partly also because of how impressive it is to use media no one else has quite figured out to be genuinely entertaining, expressive, and speak to a culture otherwise ignored. Those who can’t figure it out, typically companies that are behemoths, can only stereotype or ignore your work. I think that shows pretty clearly if you read the interview.
I don’t want to pride myself on doing anything new or clever. What is most impressive about Ms. Day is how well she engages her particular audience. I originally got into blogging because I thought it was possible to contribute something thoughtful each day that one could carry throughout the day and muse on. The intent was always to put readers in touch with others. To avoid overuse of my own voice, to give my readers the ability to say without irony that they read and read about Yeats, Dickinson, Auden, Plato, Xenophon, Shakespeare, Aristotle, Kay Ryan, Sappho, and many others. I have to recommit fully to that purpose, because the garbage flowing in my Facebook feed has more intellectual guises. Social media’s net impact on the Internet has been to make it more narcissistic – yes, I realize that such a thing is near impossible.
I can’t say I lack an ego. I will not lie and say I’m humble in any way. I’m struggling to be honest about what merits having pride.