There was little or no sun this past Sunday. Off and on rain and a breeze helped establish a cool and lonely morning. The hours following were occupied with Collegium Cantorum. We sang a Jubilee Mass at Cistercian for the Abbot. It was draining, as it should be. Giving thanks is more than a phrase.
I was soaked in my suit on the way to the apartment. Tried to nap and couldn’t. Ate the only full meal I had at 6 pm despite being awake and about since 7 am. Pleasant conversation, revising and a few snacks did fill the time. I can’t say getting to know people is unpleasant.
Later: spending long hours struggling to write. Writing sentences that seem redundant and finding too many similarities with the previous. Felt as if I was trying to make too much of too little.
Yeah, that’s what’s wrong. I think. I don’t want to complain, I want to focus. I don’t want to think about the one that got away, either. Right now, listening to The Weakerthans: this version of “The Last, Last One” is being played as I write. “And nothing happens in the end.” There are these lines from “Left and Leaving” I just sang quietly:
Back with the streets I know
will never take me anywhere but here.
Somebody was asking me the other day what could be done to improve the world just a little bit while costing virtually nothing. I didn’t say what’s on my mind now. People need to feel successful, loved, like they’re going somewhere. You can’t just demand they work and keep working with little or no feedback or support. But that’s exactly the demand many of us make of everybody else. You’ve got money. People to talk with. Entertainment. Why are you complaining? Everybody needs to shut up so everyone else can feel like they’ve done enough. The emphasis isn’t on giving thanks but on avoiding blame. It might be time to try a relationship again. At least those failures don’t demand the whole world change.
P.S. I’m okay. Just venting on the blog. Some of you will note this is long overdue. Some of you will note there’s another issue I’m not talking about here that could easily be read into the last paragraph.