Writing Out Loud.

It’s weird I don’t feel productive. I’ve been writing a ton in my off-line, real-life journal recently, and not just crybaby stuff. The last 30 pages or so have been solid notes for two separate articles on two different thinkers.

Realizing that, I went through JSTOR today and found some very nice secondary sources that could help me flesh out one of the arguments I want to advance.

I guess I don’t feel productive because I feel this should have happened before – I should have tried to write something explicitly for publication sometime earlier. But that’s a not-quite-rational feeling, because if I had worked on an article then, I would be saying to myself “I didn’t prepare enough for my exams or my program requirements,” and that might be true. As it is, I should be grateful to be in the position I’m in, where nearly all the requirements are done.

The feeling is most certainly related to that which I had when I passed comps. I felt like a major stage of my academic career was over, and I was scared.

Scared because it was incumbent on me to literally know everything, and I felt what I knew at that moment was just a drop in the bucket. Learning at this stage feels like a responsibility. It’s fun, don’t get me wrong, but it is most certainly my job – that I know on a level I didn’t quite grasp before.

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