Upon Glancing a Very Familiar Face in the Street

Dear N.,



I thought I saw you on the street the other night, in a pink dress with small white dots. That face was unmistakably yours; the only thing that bugs me is the hair, because I always think of yours as straight and dark.



Still, it was only a glance, and we passed and did not meet. I passed quickly and you did too. We were strangers once, and are strangers again.



My heart did skip a beat when I thought I saw you, but it always does that when I think I see someone.



I want to get excited.



What bothers me is the other people we were with. You with a friend I don’t know, I with a friend you most certainly know. I owe him a lot, and not just in terms of cash. He is extremely friendly, and he crosses the line from giving to selfish, the few times he makes mistakes, only accidentally.



You think otherwise, and I can’t counter your experience. And I’m scared about that, and not because I was hanging with him. I’m happy to have the friends I have.



I’m scared because I’ve just lost touch with you. Entirely. And I feel predictable and somewhat trapped. Again, I want my other friends around for sure, but I used to count you one of them.



I feel like you know me entirely, and I don’t know anything about you. And I don’t care about the power that involves: what I care about is that I feel less loving because of that, like you were more independent and thus more loving and I was just someone needy who was around.



I feel like I am the limits of my world, and if I were more open-minded and less tyrannical I would have accepted you for who you were and have been happy, not wistful.



The greatest curse and blessing are the same thing – memory. I’m so, so sorry for trying to give you ones with me, and I’m happy you’ve forgotten them. Whoever you are, you’re your own person. I’m with good people whom I cannot pay back, not in the least. And the thing is, I wanted memories with you, I probably still want memories with you, and I’m having hell appreciating the memories I do have, with people who care very much for me.



AK





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