Nov

25

I think I learned something.

Filed Under love, personal 

I think what I learned about love this semester is that it is absolutely critical both parties give knowingly and willingly.

I think about N. just as a friend - forget the lover status/lack of status - and I realize she gave nothing to me, and probably never saw me even as a true friend (Note: it’s more complicated than that, there were times I felt she really did give, such as here). And that’s not to be cruel to her, or to say “she’s mean” (I’ve said that to her for other reasons, and in far more disparaging ways, to my discredit). It’s just more that we get caught up in how we feel, and forget to give, and forget, more importantly, that we should be trying to give.

That latter part is why the “knowing” and “willing” qualification. She gave nothing even as I thought she was giving plenty.

It’s when we lose sight of our capacity to give to another that we start falling away from them, and no amount we are given can make us moral again. And it is a question of morality, I think. Mother Teresa has said that a life not lived for others is not worth living, and yeah, I’d like a logical proof of that. Unfortunately, as problematic as it is, Kant’s categorical exists, and it is a formal construction of the Golden Rule. That’s the superficial proof.

The stronger proof is probably that it is only in thinking beyond ourselves that we assert our humanity as opposed to our identity only, and therefore show we are capable of mere morality, and from there, who knows, maybe we can even show we are capable of love.

On another note: I said an awful lot of cruel things to her mixed in with a critique of self-absorption generally, and how self-absorption blinds us from seeing another has needs even at what could be their most neediest time. I reread those e-mails daily, all three of them, and realize that there’s a lot of truth in them, if they aren’t wholly true. But something in me refuses to believe them completely. I nod rereading my writing, my mind says it’s right, my heart says it’s right, and yet there are still doubts…

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